The Training! Or: How To Train Your Matthew

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I actually have no ideahow to train for a triathlon. I swim some, I run some, and I bike some, right? Shit, I got that right here. Run? I run like once a week. Like a mile or two. Swim? I can swim! Stroke, stroke, stroke, breathe, hell yeah I can do that all day. Bike? Yeah I can bike, I learned how, I can do like ten miles n shit!


“He’s so misinformed!”

Hell yeah, Buddha, I was. You can’t just take pieces of workouts you can do and string them together for 15 miles. I found this out today. And it hurts.

I joined a new gym last Saturday. It’s an hour away from my house, but I knew it had pools I can use to train in and it’s 10 min from where I work. It’s a fancy mega-gym. Real nice, cafe, spa, whole 9 yards. Well, it was waaaaaay out of my comfort zone, but I needed it, and I had to do it. I was nervous though, so I started yammering, and admitted I wanted to do a triathlon.

I was immediately introduced to the tri-trainer. He’s a really nice super-jock* named Jon. ultra-nice guy, he convinced me to get there and begin training Tuesday promptly at 6 in the evening.


but I did it. Got up at 4:30 am, and was on a treadmill, getting into cardio ‘Zone 2’ before I usually had even bothered to stir out of bed.

We started with some basic jogging tread mill action. Then we bumped the incline up (admittedly, something I’d never bothered to do before. Who jogs on hills, honestly.)


Hills? Fuck you, hills.

Then some side-step on the treadmill action (like a crab. I looked like a sweaty, hairy crab). Some over head weight lifts, then planks, Russian twists, leg kicks, PLANKS, resistance upper-body stuff, push-ups, PLAAAAAAAANNNNNKKKSSSSFFFFFFUUUUUU, and one-legged squats (way harder than they sound), with intermittent treadmill action.



What I’m saying is, I hate planks.

I took a shower in a place that wasn’t a house for the first time in my life, and holy hell, I was so grateful it was there. Few things felt as good as that hot shower.

Then I got coffee and a wrap, and hit morning traffic on my way to the office.

And I felt great. I still feel great, 15 hours later. I’m really sore, in my feet, my hips, my abs, but I did the whole rotten thing, and didn’t need to quit. I am thinking I may have found my path.

Next session is this Thursday at 6am. Hoo, boy.


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